What Compassion Really Means
Before coming to Al-Anon, I had a hard time understanding exactly what compassion was. I
thought it meant covering for the alcoholic and making excuses for his actions. I thought I was
being compassionate when I looked the other way but still fixed whatever he did that caused
problems. I thought I was having compassion for him when I made myself responsible for his
drinking, dishonesty, and abuse.I was so wrong, and I was not aware that what I was doing was actually harming him. I didn’t
know that I was enabling him. Change was very painful for me, but through the Al-Anon
program, I learned in a gentle and caring way what compassion really is.
Compassion is about accepting people as they are and still loving them. That does not mean
making excuses for the alcoholic or covering for their mistakes. That is enabling. Sometimes,
being compassionate requires a great deal of effort. I can find compassion for others who have
tested me to the limit by letting go of resentments and anger. But I can only let go of resentments
and anger if I first let go of unrealistic expectations, let others take responsibility for their
actions, and allow them the dignity to learn from their own mistakes. This applies to me too.
Many times, being compassionate with myself has been a lot more difficult than being
compassionate with others. I can only achieve compassion for myself by accepting myself the
same way that I learned to accept others as they are, by practicing “Live and Let Live” and
remembering that I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to change instantly, but I can make
progress “One Day at a Time” by going to meetings, reading Al-Anon literature, and talking to
my Sponsor.It took me years to stop enabling my son and start giving him the dignity to learn from his own
mistakes, and at the same time, to accept myself the way I am. But with the guidance of the
Al-Anon program, I now feel compassion for both of us, and I understand that I didn’t cause him
to drink, I can’t control him or his drinking, and I cannot cure him. In a few words, Al-Anon
helped me to stop enabling and start feeling compassion.
By Alicia D., Pennsylvania
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
Uncovering the Beauty Within
My adult daughter was visiting me from out of state. Throughout her life, she has struggled with
anxiety and depression. When I look at her, I see a beautiful, statuesque young woman, but her
appearance shows only her outer protective shell, not the thick layers of fear, abandonment, need
for control, and other symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism that encase the beautiful
being hidden within.I know this because I am an adult child of alcoholics. I understand her because I was her. I
learned at a tender age to be hypervigilant and observant to try to control my out-of-control
family life. My main control method was trying to make all the angry, depressed, sad people
around me happy. Their happiness was my focus. My attempts to cope with my family situation
created a protective shell made of hard, thick layers of dishonesty, distorted thinking, fear,
anxiety, and self-loathing. By the time I was my daughter’s age, my thinking about myself and
others was warped.I had no idea who I was, what I felt, or how to get the love and security I longed for. I sought to
fill these needs in all the wrong places—self-medicating with alcohol; dating men who were
alcoholics, addicts, or emotionally unavailable; and spending time with “friends” I wanted to
please even though I didn’t like them.I attended my first Al-Anon meeting over 40 years ago. Before that, I didn’t know that my
mother, father, and sister were alcoholics. Having been planted deep in the woods of a
dysfunctional family, I had no way of knowing there were other ways of living in the world. But
Al-Anon changed this.During my early days in Al-Anon, I was my usual silent, sad, miserable self, though I kept a
smile painted on my face no matter how awful, angry, and resentful I felt inside. I was so
focused on everyone else I never thought of honestly looking at myself. But I heard over and
over that “in this program, the focus is on you.” That idea was foreign to me. I had no idea that
the security, stability, and love I longed for could never be found outside myself, which was
where I was seeking it. Instead, it resided within me where my Higher Power was.
Al-Anon is the spiritual vessel on which I set sail all those years ago in my quest to discover
what was hidden beneath the shell I grew to protect my heart. The meetings, literature, Steps,
principles, my Sponsor, service, and friendships helped me navigate life in new ways and
recover from the devastating effects alcohol and addiction had on my life. Today, the Al-Anon
program continues to reveal those parts of my shell that still need to be removed to uncover more
of the serene, joyful, beautiful me inside.By Anonymous
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
From Victim to Victory, Using the Tools of Al-Anon
When I think of the word victory, I think of achieving success despite significant obstacles. I see
it as living my best life with serenity, dignity, and grace. One of the biggest barriers to my own
victory was my victim outlook. I placed an enormous amount of importance on things outside
myself: my circumstances, my experiences, and the actions of other people. I have come to
understand that that was due to the family disease of alcoholism and the way it distorted my
thinking.I can also say that this point of view was a part of my family for generations. Coming into
Al-Anon, I carried the burdens of my own resentments, bitterness, guilt, and shame. But I
couldn’t see these burdens, let alone work with them, because all of my focus was on others.
Using the tools of Al-Anon recovery lifted the fog and allowed me to see the truth.
In meetings, I heard others share their own insights about feeling victimized and growing past it.
As I learned to ask for help from my fellow Al-Anon members, I gained a clearer view of who I
really was. Working with my Sponsor studying the Twelve Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of
Service, the broken parts of me were mended, piece by piece. Studying the words of fellow
Al-Anon members in our literature, I gained a healthier perspective.Today, I can say that, instead of burdens, I carry the gifts found in the spiritual principles of
Al-Anon: unity, equality, trust, tolerance, patience, freedom, kindness, and forgiveness, among
others. I’ve realized that my journey is summed up in the title of my favorite Al-Anon book:
From Survival to Recovery (B-21). As long as I viewed the world as a victim, I could only
survive. It was by using these tools that I could rise victorious and really recover. I can truly say
that not a moment has been wasted, and I will “Keep Coming Back.”By Diane M., Florida
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
I Found My Safe Space
I first set foot in Al-Anon because of my mother’s drinking. My partner, who is in Alcoholics
Anonymous (A.A.), suggested Al-Anon, and so did other outside help. At that point, I had been
to some open A.A. meetings, and I craved the feeling of community I witnessed there.
One night, the day after my birthday, I hastily decided to go. “It’s now or never,” I told myself,
knowing if I kept procrastinating, I’d likely not follow through. I knew Al-Anon would not stop
my mom or any alcoholic from drinking, but I also knew I couldn’t hold the weight of the
disease on my own any longer.The first night, I listened as others shared, and when it was my turn, I shared what I was grateful
for, rather than what was truly in my heart. The person after me shared her hurt, anger, and raw
emotions. I remember thinking that I felt the same way and wishing I had shared more
honestly. I thanked that person after the meeting. Her honesty helped me realize that Al-Anon is
a space where I can be the real me. I’d never had that space at home. Here I could be grateful
and devastated.Al-Anon is a safe space where I can process my experience within the community. I walked into
Al-Anon during a time when I was convinced I would lose everything to my mom’s drinking.
Now, with almost four years in the program, I have gained so much. I’ve gained irreplaceable
friendships, a Sponsor, community, safety, and endless tools. Though it wasn’t a way to save or
change my mom, Al-Anon changed and saved me.By Ashleigh S., California
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
Letting Healthier Parenting Begin with Me
When I first joined Al-Anon, the slogan “Let It Begin with Me” struck me. It felt like those
particular words, in that particular order, were the essence of what brought me to my first
meeting.One memory stands out most clearly. I was in the middle of the kitchen talking to my adolescent
daughter. I knew that she was upset with me for something, and I felt so uncomfortable with this
idea that I pleadingly asked if she was mad at me. Her face softened and she started to apologize.
Before she could even finish, I felt as if I were outside my own body, watching the interaction
unfold. Immediately, I flashed back to a childhood of over-responsibility. I saw myself unable to
experience my own emotions, caring instead only for those of my alcoholic mother. I realized I
had been no more responsible for my mother’s feelings then than my daughter was responsible
for mine in the present.She deserves to have her feelings and be validated for them. As her mother, I am responsible for
understanding why her frustration with me or unhappiness at my choices makes me
uncomfortable. By accepting this responsibility, I can allow generational trauma to end with me.
By replacing the maladaptive parenting strategies that were modeled for me with program
principles and guidance from my Higher Power, I am choosing to “Let It Begin with Me.” I can
let my daughter’s generation of parenting begin with me. It will never be perfect, but when I
make the choice every day to seek guidance from my Al-Anon program and my Higher Power, it
doesn’t have to be.By Hope W., New York
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
The Right Time for Recovery
“When is the right time?” I was asked this question recently at a meeting by a young man who
felt lost and confused about his spouse’s alcoholism and came to Al-Anon as his last hope. This
brought back memories of when I had contemplated divorce and wondered when the right time
for it might be. Recalling my own raw emotions and understanding how unmanageable life can
become when living with the disease of alcoholism made me sit down and talk with him. After a
few tears and a clenched fist, he let go with a deep breath and told me what had been going on in
his home.I’m always amazed when I hear echoes of my own story in the stories of others. I shared that I
had been married for 40-plus years, and for most of our marriage, my spouse and I both denied
any drinking problem. When I entered Al-Anon, I finally admitted my spouse had a drinking
problem and started asking myself whether now was the right time.
By the grace of God, the people in the meetings all encouraged me to slow down, not make any
major decisions, and keep coming to meetings. Could I really do that? Was I capable? But every
question I had was answered as I attended more meetings. I had tea with other members and
listened to their experience, strength, and hope. I read Al-Anon literature, and, most importantly,
I found a Sponsor.I discovered that my spouse’s journey was my spouse’s to walk, and my journey to what was
best for me was my own. My decision about the “right time” would depend on whether my
spouse continued to drink. I told the young man my story, identifying with his fears,
misunderstandings, and rash anger. I then shared how working the Steps brought me relief, love,
and serenity.Al-Anon gave me a chance to pause. It gave me time to understand the disease of alcoholism and
my own disease of denial. It gave me time to grow in awareness and come to acceptance of my
spouse. So, when is the right time? Only you can decide.By Sam E., Florida
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“In 2017, I was 5’2” and weighed 117 pounds. My six-foot son weighed 116 pounds. The swirl of
confusion and chaos in my head was ever-present, making it difficult to engage. Every boundary
I set was crossed, and I said nothing. Every time I made excuses for my son, I became more
resentful. And every day, at least two or three times, I asked him, “Is everything okay?”
Although my relationship with my son was not volatile or dangerous, it was never honest. I
nearly loved him to death!But one day when I opened my mouth, these words came out: “I love you so much, but I just
can’t watch this anymore. And I can’t kick you out. You have to either stop or just leave.” I
didn’t have Al-Anon at this time, but I’m sure I had a Higher Power, because that’s who put
those words in my mouth. This was the beginning of my journey to serenity, and at the strong
suggestion of a family counselor, I started attending Al-Anon. The counselor also suggested I
educate myself on the disease of alcoholism.
At my first Al-Anon meeting, I cried, talked out of turn, stared at the wall—I was numb. But I
did hear the three C’s (I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it), and I was given the
book I needed—the one called How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics (B-32).
This book helped me understand the program. But I still felt I needed to know more about the
disease.I read articles, listened to podcasts, and talked to recovering alcoholics, but when I attended a
lecture on the neurophysiological aspect of the disease and saw pictures of the brain and the
actual region that activates cravings and such, I totally got it! Now I understood that my son was
telling the truth when he said he wasn’t doing this to hurt me. I could see the fear in his eyes, and
I realized that he was as clueless as to why he couldn’t stop as I was.
Al-Anon was there to guide me through all of this. If I was going to begin to recover, I needed to
better understand what I was recovering from. The visual image from that lecture helped me
better understand my son’s disease, and Al-Anon helped me understand its effects on me. I live a
pretty serene life today because I took the suggestions in the Twelve Steps and began to follow
them.
By placing my trust in Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I gained the courage to apply the Twelve
Steps to my life. Every time I get a new insight or deeper understanding, even if it’s painful or
difficult, my trust grows. My son has been sober now for four and a half years. We have a good
relationship in which we speak the same language–honesty. And by educating myself on this
cunning, baffling, and powerful disease and its effects on the whole family, I now find it easy to
hate the disease and love my son.” — By Judy D., GeorgiaReprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I recently attended a dinner party with my husband, my recovering alcoholic son, and my son’s
girlfriend. The host, not knowing about my son’s membership in Alcoholics Anonymous, asked
my son what he was drinking. “Water will be fine,” he replied. The host persisted. “Are you sure
I can’t get you something stronger?” he said. Every fiber of my being wanted to run interference,
to throw myself between my son and what I perceived to be a temptation.But I remembered what I had read under Step One in How Al-Anon Works for Families &
Friends of Alcoholics (B-32): “Whether or not we live with active drinking, life is unmanageable
whenever we lose perspective about what is and is not our responsibility” (p. 45). My son’s
sobriety is his responsibility, not mine. He, of course, handled the question beautifully. “I’m fine
with water,” he said in a firm, yet loving and polite manner.I was reminded at that moment that my 33-year-old son, who has been sober for 15 years, has his
own Higher Power and his own program. I need to focus on myself and examine why I still feel
the need to step in. Just as my son is powerless over alcohol, so am I powerless over my
perceived need to mother a competent, full-grown man. I’m thankful that I have a Higher Power
and my Al-Anon program to remind me that “One Day at a Time,” one minute at a time, one
dinner party at a time, I am powerless over alcohol and could easily step back into
unmanageability by losing my perspective.” — By Susan K., Missouri
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“It was my first Al‑Anon meeting. I was scared because I didn’t know anyone. I was terrified that someone would know me. I never said a word during the whole meeting.
“I have only one memory from that first meeting. After a continuous barrage of invective from the alcoholic about how his drinking was all my fault, I heard these words: “You did not cause the drinking; you cannot control it; and you cannot cure it.” Those words became my mantra. Over and over, with each repetition, I felt lighter and lighter. I felt I was shedding the weight of my world.
On the way home, I needed to stop at the grocery store—my “cover” excuse for going out that evening. As I gripped the handle of the grocery cart, I had a vision of myself floating above the aisle. It felt as though that grip was the only thing keeping me from floating away. I had found hope! I knew I would be coming back to Al‑Anon.” — By Ellen V., Arkansas
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“Having been abused mentally, physically, and sexually by my alcoholic stepfather while growing up was a can of worms I never wanted to open. However, in adulthood, I continued to meet people who abused me. I felt “marked.” What was it these predators saw in me and how could I remove it? Was it the shame and guilt that attracted them? Did I seem too vulnerable? Or was I prone to high-risk behavior?
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
I used the tools of the Al-Anon program to unpack my shortcomings, and what I saw was life-changing. I learned about boundaries. Then I learned the difference between constantly reacting to someone else’s behavior and choosing to do what was best for me. Becoming self-supporting changed my neediness into a strength I had never felt before. I began to attract different people to my life—kind and gentle people who were content to live and let live.
“Through Al-Anon’s Concepts of Service, I learned how to release shame and guilt by understanding and accepting responsibility. My shame had simply been a product of all the times I had felt not good enough or less than. My guilt seemed to be a result of the unrealistic expectations I had of myself. Over and over, I humbly asked my Higher Power to remove these characteristics until they were no longer part of my psyche.
Now I was ready to shed the cloak of victimhood. I renamed my childhood experiences so I would not feel like a victim anymore. I saw the dysfunction in my upbringing, but I knew that it was not who I was. I accepted my past even though I didn’t approve of it. I handed my life over
to a Power greater than myself and sat many times in discomfort until the discomfort passed. I identified the excitement, drama, or familiarities that could remove my serenity and avoided those situations.
“Today, through the gifts of the Al-Anon program, I am grateful, joyful, and I have peace. Today, I count my blessings.” —By Michelle M., Australia
“Years ago, a friend in Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) shared the Twelve Steps with me and recommended I go to Al-Anon. He recognized how ill I was and understood why. I knew only that I lived in anger and despair. I didn’t know I was desperately ill.
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“Upon reading the Twelve Steps, I was instantly stunned, as they expressed a way of life so different from the way I’d lived up to that point at age 46. At that time, I feared for my life, but I believed if I could learn to live in accordance with these Steps, my life would be saved. I did not realize then that alcoholism was even present in my life. I later learned I had been surrounded by it from birth.
“What people said in meetings was foreign to me at first, but after a while I began to relate. In time, it became evident to me that I’d adopted many character defects as my way of dealing with life. Most, if not all, of these defects resulted in anger, which had then grown into rage. I persisted in attending my meetings even though self-knowledge came slowly and often painfully.
“In time, my crippling thinking was replaced by what I call Al-Anon thinking. I was on the long road to serenity, though I didn’t know it in the beginning. My blind, dumb persistence eventually led me to serenity, although it took quite a few years. It has been well worth the time and the work in Al-Anon.” — By Bruce S., Minnesota
“When I first came to Al-Anon, I knew I was in the right place when I heard the Al-Anon Suggested Welcome. When the Chairperson read, ‘We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can,’ I felt hope for the first time in a very long time. I noticed that the group members seemed at ease. I was the opposite. I was anxious and my stomach was in knots all of the time. Because of the comfort and warmth I felt at my first meeting, I kept going back. Today, I am so glad I did, even though it felt inconvenient and a little uncomfortable at the time.” — By Allison T., Oklahoma
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“When I first walked through the doors to attend an Al-Anon meeting, I had no idea what Al-Anon was or why I needed it. All I knew was that my life had been unmanageable for quite some time, and, after two years of encouragement from a friend, I was finally at a point where I knew something needed to change. What I didn’t realize was that the “something” was actually me.
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I knew that my friend’s life was as chaotic as mine, yet she seemed to have peace with her life the way it was. When I started to attend meetings, I was still in sort of a fog, and I don’t even remember which piece of literature the group was reading. But when we began to read How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics (B-32), it all began to make sense to me. Hearing the readings and listening to others share, I started to let go of the guilt I felt for not keeping track of my daughter’s habits while she was away at college, and I became more mindful about giving her “suggestions.”
“Focusing on myself was a gift that I gave to my daughter and myself. It gave her back her dignity, and gradually, my own sanity began to be restored. I began to have a better understanding of the Al-Anon program—how it works, how it has helped others, and, after four years, how it is helping me.” — By Amy B., Texas
“For many years, my mother and other family members suggested I go to Al-Anon. I had already lost my middle son to alcoholism in a drunk-driving accident, and my third son was also addicted to alcohol and drugs and has brain damage from a drug overdose. His life was out of control, and so was mine. Either I was going to move out or he was, so, for a second time, after a particularly bad situation, I told him to leave. That was years ago, and he is still in and out of rehab, continues to drink, and is currently homeless.
Meanwhile, people continued to suggest Al-Anon, but I resisted. I had long thought it was selfish to want to take care of myself when someone I loved needed so much help. Finally, after yet another of his frequent relapses, something clicked in me. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to climb out of my self-imposed darkness this time and decided that enough was enough.
I drove myself to my first Al-Anon meeting and sat in the parking lot trying to work up the courage to go inside. Should I, or shouldn’t I? Finally, I opened the car door. I decided to let my body go in and hoped that my mind would follow. It did. What I found inside were people just like me whose lives were hurt by someone else’s drinking, people who had the courage to acknowledge they needed help and did something about it.
I continued to struggle with feelings of guilt and selfishness for several months. In time, However, I began to realize that it was not selfish of me to help myself. I came to understand that thinking I needed to help my son first was a disguise for control and that I was relying on his sobriety and well-being for my peace of mind and happiness. That was selfish. I now know that by placing myself on the road to my own recovery, I will gain the tools I need to have a healthier relationship with my son as well as with the rest of my family. I am learning to separate him from his disease and talk to him in a respectful and nonjudgmental way.
I remind myself daily that only when I have taken the time to focus on my own recovery and healing will I have anything to give to anyone else. I am new to this journey and have a long way to go, but getting beyond the feeling of selfishness is a huge step, and I have Al-Anon to thank for that. I am a work in progress.
By Pat N., Pennsylvania
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
What if there are people in the meeting that I know? What will they think of us? Will they judge my son? Will they judge me? What if they gossip about us around town? These were the questions that kept me from attending my first Al-Anon meeting. For far too long, I suffered needlessly in silence.
“I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and now my son was struggling with alcohol and drug addiction. I talked to nobody outside of my immediate family about my son’s struggles, and I wanted to continue to keep our ‘secret.’ My mother didn’t even know. I had completely isolated myself, and fear kept me from reaching out for help.
“Thankfully, a dear friend’s gentle coaxing gave me the courage I needed to attend my first meeting. Walking through those doors was the best thing I could have done for myself. The help I found within that room saved my sanity. Listening to members share, I learned that there were others who had been where I had been and had not only survived but thrived! I was so relieved to find out that I wasn’t alone, that people weren’t going to judge me or my son, and that my anonymity would be protected.
“I am so grateful I found the courage to go to that first meeting. Thanks to Al-Anon, I have found that I can have hope, serenity, and even joy, whether my loved one is sober or not. What a priceless gift! — By Nikki K., Kansas
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“There were two things that I received pretty early on from the Al-Anon program. First, I was told that I didn’t need to continue to tell my relatives and friends all of the hardship I was experiencing from living with a problem drinker — that I now had my group to talk with about those things. This was important because my family and friends didn’t know any more than I did about what to do.
“I later came to understand that they, too, were upset and frustrated in not knowing how to help. Once I shifted my sharing to my group, my relationships began to improve. I also began to notice that I had created for myself places that I could go for a while that were pleasant and where I had a break from thinking about the alcoholic and whatever effects of alcoholism I was experiencing.
“The second thing I received soon after coming to Al-Anon was an understanding of genuine friendship. I cherish the safe feeling I have with those with whom I share my experience, strength, and hope, knowing there is no gossip or criticism among us. I am so thankful that I raised my daughter with the tools of the Al-Anon program. Because of that she was able to grow up loving her father and knowing that he loved her.” — By Renee S., Pennsylvania
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“There had not been an active alcoholic in my life for over 35 years when an event happened involving loss and betrayal that had nothing to do with alcohol. This event caused all of my past decisions, losses, and hurts to pop up like corks on water. I was filled with self-doubt and loathing, and I blamed myself for issues over which I had no control.
“A friend suggested that I might benefit from Al-Anon. Although I did not understand the connection, it was pointed out that quite possibly my alcoholic upbringing contributed to how I viewed everything and everyone. I agreed to give it a try.
“At the very first meeting, I found an environment unlike any other. There was no judgment or criticism, only acceptance. There were people who spoke about themselves but sounded as if they knew my story. I knew I was in the right place. I began attending a second group as well, where I found the same level of acceptance, and I began to heal.
“When I am asked about being a newcomer in Al-Anon, I reply that it feels as though I enter a pool of water that is always the perfect temperature: cool and refreshing when I am upsest or angry, warm and soothing when I feel cold and lonely.
“Al-Anon meetings and literature are like air and water to me. I could no more do without them than I could give up breathing air or drinking water. It is a comfort to know that throughout my life and wherever I go, Al-Anon will be there for me.” — Anonymous
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I didn’t grow up in an alcoholic family. I grew up in an alcoholic world. Every grown up I knew drank too much — it was the norm. Of all the immediate family, my mother, a mean drunk, was the only one to admit to her sickness. As a result, she spent almost a year in an institution and became a “dry drunk.” Of course, Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon were foreign words in my family — after all, if we didn’t acknowledge the problem, we certainly didn’t need any help.
“Five years ago, my sister was literally dying of alcoholism. To prepare for a visit to her, I dropped by an Al-Anon meeting to get the magic cure. This, of course, was the wrong reason, but fortunately I kept coming back and found that I was the one who needed help. I had finally found a sanctuary in which to learn how to forgive and forget the demons instilled in me in my youth. I’m certainly not perfect yet, but the program is stronger than I am, and I can see the progress taking place in my soul. The best part of Al-Anon is that it has no graduation. It’s a program about life — for life.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I didn’t attend Al-Anon meetings during the 16 years of my husband’s sobriety. When he relapsed and isolated, I shut down and isolated. I didn’t tell anyone of this, hoping he could beat it like before, and we could keep this secret between us. Three years later, I was miserable and could no longer take the mental torment of the disease. I finally went back to Al-Anon.
“At my first meeting, I found it was a relief to share a few of my secrets without the fear of being judged. The more meetings I attended, and the more I shared, the more unconditional support, love, knowledge, and peace I gained. I began using the Al-Anon tools for the first time in my life.
“Regularly attending and participating in Al-Anon meetings, reading Conference Approved Literature, depending on my Al-Anon family, and giving back has finally given me the courage to share my feelings and struggles with a few other close friends and family members. Their unconditional support, love, help, and resources have helped my children and me work through tough situations with positive outcomes that I know would not have happened if I had not opened up and shared with them.
“In looking back, I regret I waited three years before going back to Al-Anon. Al-Anon has given me a safe place to be myself, to deal with the insidious disease of alcoholism and “life on life’s terms,” and to be open and honest. I am so grateful for Al-Anon.” — By Lori K., South Carolina
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“Hands shaking, heart racing, stomach churning — it was all I could do to hit the “Join” button on my first online Al-Anon meeting. It was almost more anxiety than I could take. I actually hung up three times before I stayed in the call and listened. I told myself, ‘You can just sit here and listen to others share. No one knows who you are. No one knows that you are even in this meeting. Just sit and listen.’
“My sense of relief once that meeting was over was tremendous. ‘Phew! You did it! You attended a meeting. Now you can at least say you tried.’ These are the things I told myself once I hung up. Amazingly, I found myself attending the same meeting the next day, and the day after that, until eventually, I was attending multiple meetings a day and even sharing in some.
“The sense of belonging that I acquired by hearing others share, knowing I wasn’t alone, and knowing that others had gone through the same things I had, was such a sense of relief. The more I attended the meetings, the more relief I felt, and the more amazed I was that these meetings made such a difference. Who knew that Al-Anon would have such a positive effect on my life?
“As I attend more meetings, and now serve in those meetings, I find myself more and more often looking forward to my days, finding old hobbies that I used to enjoy, and feeling more fulfilled. There are days when I still struggle, but there are fewer of them than there used to be and on those days I can attend a meeting where I find myself in good company, surrounded by people who love me in a special way.” — By Alison C., Nevada
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“Detachment was the topic of my very first Al-Anon meeting so many years ago. My son was 18 years old and I was frightened for his health, safety, and future. He was living on his own, renting a small room in a household of young people who partied all the time. I had distanced myself from him because it hurt too much to watch him slowly kill himself with alcohol.
“I was angry and resentful that he was turning out like his father. I remember feeling stunned to learn at Al-Anon that I had been detaching from my sick son in a very unloving manner. The kind members of my new home group very gently let me know that I could learn to practice detaching with love. This was a new concept that took many years for me to understand. At the time it hurt too much to even spend time with my son and see him drunk.
“I have learned that instead of cutting my son off from my life and my heart, I can love him without loving the disease of alcoholism. I used to think he was weak and selfish. I lost respect for him. Today, I no longer judge him or criticize his drinking. I have turned him over to his own Higher Power, and I can just be his mom who loves him unconditionally.
“He has had periods of sobriety, sometimes even years, but at the moment he is drinking again. I simply have to detach with love (and not even think about changing him). I know that no one would choose the disease of alcoholism, and that gives me compassion. I pray each day for peace, using the Serenity Prayer as my guide.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I found my way to Al-Anon when I accepted that my life was uncontrollable because of my loved ones’ abuse of drugs and alcohol, and it changed my life in so many positive ways. Perhaps the most helpful idea I heard is to stay in the present and live ‘One Day at a Time.’ I always wanted to be in control, and I have found that I cannot control the actions of the alcoholics in my life. Trying to do so alters my ability to think straight and function in order to carry on a normal life.
“I found the readings and other resources available through Al-Anon have helped me deal with my situation better because I now know I can’t control or cure their disease. This allows me to focus more on my needs and my own serenity. Another idea that has helped me is that if I am depressed, I am focusing on the past, and if I am anxious, I am focusing too much on the future. This was my aha moment and if I remind myself to live day to day and be grateful for the smaller things, I can get through any troubles that come my way.” — By Dan A., Rhode Island
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“Over the course of a few years, my family’s life seemed to spiral out of control. Solutions I thought should work didn’t. I was worn out, and I was out of ideas. I finally took a friend’s advice and came to an Al-Anon meeting. With grandchildren now in the mix, I somehow sensed that I might be facing some life-long challenges. At meetings, I couldn’t believe anyone was going through anything as bad as I was. That’s because the others seemed happy. They were smiling and making jokes. I wrongly concluded that their problems were solved and that the main reason they attended meetings was because they were so grateful to Al-Anon for what it had done for them.
“In time, I learned that other members were going through serious problems, too, but unlike me, they took better care of themselves. I also saw other newcomers improving. I could see how I had been stuck in a rut, emotionally reacting to every new crisis and spending time examining and regretting the past. I needed help to recognize my feelings, accept reality, and move forward. My load lightened up a bit when I made a friend in the program to talk with. I’d already received plenty of advice from family and friends, but hearing my new friend’s experiences in detail gave me a new and different perspective.
“She let me make my own decisions. But even today, when I need to make a decision, I often think of some of the experiences she had and how she handled them. Looking back, my first decisions early in the Al-Anon program seemed so big, and they were. I am thankful to Al-Anon for pointing the way towards a happier and healthier way for me to live.” — By Gina B., Arkansas
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
” For so many years, I held in what I knew to be true. There seemed to be no safe place in which to tell what was going on in my childhood home. This included nightly arguments fueled by alcohol, a mother whose personality changed as soon as the ice cubes hit the glass, items often thrown against a wall, and my need to cover my head with a pillow to keep out the terrifying shouts of my parents. They dressed well, held jobs, and were supposed to take care of me, but they could not. Each morning, after my father left for work, I began my chores of sweeping up broken glass, emptying sticky glasses, and opening the shades to let the morning light and fresh air clear the stale, boozy air while my mother still slept. I walked tear-eyed to school, sleep-deprived and quietly tense. I learned to be a caretaker then, and to guard the secrets of the house. My mother taught me to never tell anyone what happened behind our closed doors. I obeyed her until I arrived at Al-Anon and found that listening to others bravely share their stories gave me the courage to try to do the same.
“I felt compassion and acceptance from these strangers. My first words slowly began to unravel my past. By attending many meetings, I got to know others and they got to know me. I began to feel a release each time it was my turn to speak. Doing so created a freedom from the secrets of the past and allowed help and healing to take the place of fear and repression. In Al-Anon, I found a new way of living and a fellowship of honesty and hope.” — By Elizabeth B., Massachusetts
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“When I reached the end of my rope with my alcoholic/addict son, I decided to go to an Al-Anon meeting. That first Al-Anon meeting was on a dark, cold, rainy night, which was how I felt at the time — dark, empty, and lost. I had learned about Al-Anon from a speaker at a family meeting at the alcohol counseling center where my son was attending. I was so overwhelmed that I could not understand what the speaker said about Al-Anon.
“I was afraid that someone would recognize me, and then my secret would be known. The members welcomed me as a newcomer. They were laughing and happy. I thought that they couldn’t have any alcoholism in their lives because they were so joyous. Was I wrong! They asked me to try six meetings, and if it didn’t work out, they’d give me all my misery back! I can laugh at that now. They asked if I had any questions. They said to “Keep Coming Back” and perhaps I’d find something in the program that would help me. I am grateful because they were so right. During the first several meetings, I was so overwhelmed by the truth in the readings that I’d cry and couldn’t finish. I was never looked down on and always helped gently. That’s exactly what I needed.” — By Maureen B., South Carolina
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“Before Al-Anon, I was not a happy camper. I was judgmental with everyone in my household. My husband had a problem with alcohol, but I didn’t know then that it was a disease. My dad died from alcoholism at age 42. I have two sisters and one brother, who I helped raise because my mom went into a deep depression after Dad died. I didn’t want to have to be the grownup in the family, but I felt I had no choice.
“Later on, I married a man who was also an alcoholic. One night, he came home and asked for a divorce. I became sick, depressed, and crazy all the time. A friend suggested that I might try Al-Anon, that it might help me. I didn’t know how it could, but I said I’d go. There were only three other people at that meeting. As people started to share, my heart identified with what they said. I cried for the whole hour. They encouraged me to come to six meetings. It has been several decades since then, and I am still going and love everything members give me.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“After 9/11, my partner’s drinking increased so much that I decided to go online to find out about staging an intervention. On the AA website, there was a questionnaire about a loved one’s drinking. After I scored my results, it suggested that I go to an Al-Anon meeting. I picked up the phone and found a meeting near me that started in an hour. I didn’t even think; I just got in my car and drove to the meeting.
“There, I heard people share their stories, and there was a lot of laughter. I thought to myself, This is what I want. I wanted to be able to distance myself from all the pain I had chosen to own. The people at the meeting suggested I go to six meetings to see if Al-Anon was for me. I went to six meetings in six days, and it changed my life. I continued to go to no less than five meetings a week. It’s been almost 20 years now. Within six months I was able to work, focus on myself, sleep at night, and feel peace and serenity.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I remember feeling scared before heading to my first Al-Anon meeting. I was afraid I would be reminded of my alcoholic loved one and would start to cry. My mom passed away from the disease of alcoholism when I was 11 years old. I listened to the other members sharing stories, and I could relate to each of them in some way. As more members began to share, I started to cry. It brought back a whirlwind of memories I had with my mom. After the meeting was over, a very kind woman approached me, gave me a big hug, and told me I wasn’t alone. She gave me a newcomer’s packet and told me more about the program. I felt welcomed. Ever since then, I have kept coming back. Today I am so thankful that I have found a safe place where I can share my experience, strength, and hope with others.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I grew up in a loving home where there was no alcohol. But I married a man who grew up in an alcoholic family. While I knew that when I married him, I did not understand all the ramifications of it. He talked about how terrible his childhood was, but I still didn’t get it. We made the decision not to have alcohol in our home. When we moved East, he started drinking socially. However, as time went on, I realized we had a problem. I decided to find an Al-Anon meeting because I was at a loss as to what to do.
“The meetings were so helpful and comforting because I soon realized I didn’t cause the problem. I also learned that I couldn’t control it, and I couldn’t cure it. We struggled through rehab, detox, hospital visits, and DUIs. Although he attended lots of AA meetings, he was unable to stay sober. I continued to attend Al-Anon meetings and use the tools of the program. When my husband committed suicide, I knew because of my Al-Anon experience that I had no control over his decision to take his own life. His drinking made him miserable, but because of Al-Anon, I am able to find serenity and even happiness. At this the first anniversary of his death, I continue to attend Al-Anon meetings where I find comfort and help and where I am able to reach out to help others.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“Knowing that I was not alone, that other members of Al-Anon were in the same situation as I was, struggling with the same disease, allowed me to deal with the shame and guilt associated with the disease. It also allowed me to share more easily and understand that, in asking others for help and in listening to their experience, strength, and hope, I was able to allow myself to shed some of my pain and begin to heal the hole in my heart.
“Understanding that I was powerless over alcohol and its effects on my family allowed me to gain some sense of manageability in the home. I no longer felt that it was up to me to fix everything or that I was to blame for what was happening in our lives. I found that by accepting the situation as it was, I could find some sanity. I was no longer allowing obsessive thoughts to fill my every waking moment and every sleepless night. By understanding that I was powerless, I suddenly found I could sleep, and I had more time to do other things. I no longer sought refuge in my car, listening to the same song over and over again, crying all the time I was finally able to function with sanity, hope, and manageability.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“My husband and I grew up together. When we got married, I just knew it was forever until death do us part. I never gave his drinking a second thought in our younger years. I just knew that, because I was raised in a loving and nurturing home environment, I would be able to help him overcome his drinking problem. After all, I loved him. And doesn’t love conquer all? I thought if I could just convince him to let go of his resentment and anger, all would be good. I did everything I could think of to help him, nurture him, and love him. Unfortunately, he did not respond as I thought he would or should.
“However, once I started attending Al-Anon, I realized that I had also become ensnared in the web of resentment and anger. It was like cancer eating me up inside. I was out of control. In time, I accepted the reality that I had no control over the alcoholic’s life or choices, but I did have control over mine. My life began to change, despite the fact that my husband’s did not seem to. However, I realized that was okay. As I began to turn my energy inward toward myself and started to heal, I saw just how much of myself I had lost through the years. My husband of 40 years passed away recently, and I am still learning how to take care of myself. I am so grateful for the fellowship of Al-Anon and the literature available to me, all of which is helping me along the way.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I had just given birth to my first child — a beautiful baby girl — and I thought all my problems were going to disappear. I thought I was going to be the perfect mother and wife, and I was going to have a perfect family. However, my life was spiraling out of control. I had grown up in a family with addiction and married an active alcoholic. I was sad, frustrated, and unable to see beyond my own pain and fear. Upon the urging of a mental health professional, I decided to go to an Al-Anon meeting. In the beginning, those meetings were challenging. I was flooded with years of stuffed emotions, and I would cry or rage throughout them. However, I kept comping back because they offered my soul a deep relief I found nowhere else. I had to go slow and allow time for healing before I could move forward. However, I soon found that, just as the welcome in my group stated, I could find happiness whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not. I have learned to let go of my fears of what may be and live and love in what is. I no longer need to be a perfect mother or wife; I have learned that it is not possible. Al-Anon has provided me with a lifeline of hope in a situation that once felt hopeless.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach VA
“I came to Al-Anon because I had an alcoholic child. I felt miserable because my child was in trouble and frustrated because I couldn’t seem to do anything about it. I also felt angry that he lied and took advantage of me. As a father, I saw myself as the fixer. I provided wisdom, guidance, and advice — lots and lots of advice. I minimized problems with humor, provided money, and showed disapproval. The effect of my actions put roadblocks in his path to recovery because they gave him no room to breathe, no opportunity to help himself and rebuild his self-esteem. Every time he turned around, I was there to help, or so I thought, by offering what I felt was a better way. We always had long phone chats, which used to consist of him telling me his problems and me giving him advice because I knew that, if he would just listen, all would be well. In truth, my advice, money, and disapproval did nothing but injure him. In effect, I was telling him that he did not have the skills necessary to make his own decisions. I was demeaning him, not helping him.
“However, by using the tools I learned at Al-Anon meetings, I changed the nature of our conversations. Instead of giving advice, I gave empathy. Instead of telling him what to do, I told him I was sorry to hear about his latest problem and let him solve it for himself. Then a remarkable thing happened. After several weeks of these conversations, he said to me ‘You know, I really enjoy these talks we’ve been having lately; they mean a lot to me.’ At around the same time, he began his own program of recovery.
“My new approach did not cause him to recover or even help him to recover, but it did remove some obstacles that I had been putting in his way. In essence, my script had changed, and therefore our relationship changed. Through this program, I learned that if I take care of myself and treat myself with respect, then I will be in a better position to help my son in a way that acknowledges that there is a real person, a loving person, inside my alcoholic son. I finally realized that he is an adult and, therefore, has the right to solve his own problems and to live his own life. As a result, in addition to being my son, he once again became a very close and dear friend.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“The first Al-Anon meeting I attended was not for me — or so I thought. I was accompanying a friend who was looking for answers about her alcoholic loved one. I was immediately welcomed by the women and men there, and I noticed that they were all smiling and laughing. I felt comfortable before the meeting even started. As we all took turns reading the Steps and Traditions, I was filled with the desire to be accepted by these people, to fit in and enjoy the same serenity they exuded. Then everyone shared about the First Step and how they came to understand it and start their journey to serenity. More importantly, when it came my turn to share, everyone listened attentively as I described how unmanageable my life was. Without judgement, they nodded in understanding. I wept as I realized I’d found a place where I felt I belonged. I hadn’t ever thought that I would find answers to many of my personal difficulties, much less be invited to share the company of such inspiring and loving people. As it turned out, Al-Anon was absolutely for me.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
“I remember the pain of dealing with my alcoholic partner in the area of intimacy. Even though he was right next to me, I was alone and aching for human touch, warmth, and affection. Months would go by, and I would get nothing from him but cold indifference. I didn’t want to leave him or be unfaithful, but I couldn’t take the emptiness I felt inside, either. Whenever I would broach the topic, he would recoil and say I was unattractive, fat, or just not really his type. Usually he made me feel guilty for seeking affection by telling me I was too needy. I would give up trying to initiate any deeper connection for another few months until my longing became unbearable again. I would literally cry out of frustration.
“It wasn’t until much later that I discovered the reality of the situation. Alcoholism had taken his ability to physically respond, and he would take his shame out on me. But by then I had already started to question my own sanity. Was I really asking for too much? I wondered. After all, I had learned in Al-Anon that an expectation is a premeditated resentment.
“In time, though, I realized it was futile to expect this person to give something he just didn’t have. However, I was pursuing an equally futile endeavor trying to learn how to be happy without love and affection. I learned that my needs were legitimate and not unreasonable in a monogamous romantic relationship, but I had to accept his choice not to fulfill those needs. And as long as we remained together, I was not free to pursue a new relationship that could better meet those needs. In the end, I found the serenity I needed to detach with love and part ways with him. Even though he is still active in his disease, we remain friends today. I see now that’s probably all we should have been from the beginning.
“I eventually met a kind, gentle, and loving man who is all I could have wished for. We have decided that physical intimacy will wait until after marriage, and the decision has allowed our emotional and spiritual connection to flourish. When I came to believe that I deserved more, I found it.”
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA